From the desk of the acclaimed Hindu statesman

Resignation of India’s cricket coach Kirsten demanded by Hindus for sex encouragement

Hindus have demanded immediate resignation of India’s cricket coach Gary Kirsten for attacking the moral fiber of the country by reportedly encouraging sex indulgence among the nation’s cricket players in a dossier, claiming it increased performance.

Acclaimed Hindu statesman Rajan Zed, in a statement in Nevada (USA) today, said that India’s youth looked up to the cricket players as kind of role models. If the national cricket team indulged in undisciplined casual sex, it was a scary thought to imagine what the rest of the youth of the country would do.

Moreover, in Hinduism, women were revered. Kirsten appeared to be indirectly hinting the team and resultantly others to use women as a kind of gym equipment to become fit as a pre-match preparation strategy to win the match, which was unacceptable, Zed, who is president of Universal Society of Hinduism, argued.

Rajan Zed further said that ancient Upanishads considered sex as sacred and sexual desire only partly physical. It was envisioned as a spiritual force—high octane, creative, and pure energy. Continence was the transformation. Hindu ethics taught us restraint, physical discipline, self-control, abstinence from sensuality, and purity. Continence was one of the recognized virtues in Upanishads; Patanjali also listed it as a virtue around second century BCE; and various Hindu texts described it as one of the six-accomplishments (shatsampat).

Zed urged other religious leaders of India also to express their opinions on this internationally important issue.

Offered up without comment.

PS: Judging by the responses, I guess I need to say this: I didn’t make one word of that up; it comes to you in the exact same shape and form it landed in my mailbox, straight from the Arizona habitat of the acclaimed spokesman.

One hand clapping

We return, briefly, to my favorite person, Rajan Zed — who seems afflicted these days by a combination of verbal diarrhea and chronic insomnia, judging by the velocity of his press statements. This morning, I got:

Hindu and Jewish leaders have urged Oscar winner Julia Roberts (Pretty Woman) and makers of movie “Eat, Pray, Love” to immediately provide unconditional access to area devotees to the Hindu temple in Pataudi (India), which had been reportedly closed for shooting.

Rajan Zed, acclaimed Hindu statesman; and Rabbi Jonathan B. Freirich, prominent Jewish leader in Nevada and California in USA; in a joint statement in Nevada today, said that it was very insensitive to keep the devotees away from their deities and worship place, which they had been reportedly visiting since 1948.

Moreover, due to Navaratri, a major ten-day Hindu holy festival connected with the autumnal equinox, which was currently underway, it was cruel to keep the worshippers away from their sacred temple. Various celebrations, like Durga-puja, Sri-panchami (Saraswati-puja), Lalita-panchami, Maha-navami, Amba-puja, Dussehra, formed part of this, during which Goddess Durga restored dharma (righteousness), and included mantra chanting and various other rituals, Rajan Zed, who is president of Universal Society of Hinduism, stressed.

According to reports, access to Hindu temple inside the Ashram Harimandir hermitage, about 60 kilometers from India’s capital Delhi, was reportedly denied and then conditions were put for area villagers who regularly came there to pray to give way to movie shooting of Roberts and others, thus upsetting the devotees. Women of the village, when they went to the usual darshan (view) of their deities and offer prayers on Sunday morning, were refused entry. The shooting, which began Sunday, is expected to last about 2-3 weeks. This hermitage has its own consecrated temple and gaushala (cowshed) and offers “spiritual development” and runs a Sanskrit learning center.

Roberts started shooting at this Ashram on Sunday along with Richard Jenkins (The Visitor). Directed by Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck) and aimed at a release in 2011, “Eat, Pray, Love” also stars Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men), Viola Davis (Doubt), Billy Crudup (Almost Famous), James Franco (Pineapple Express), Luca Argentero (Lezioni di cioccolato).

A day earlier, the acclaimed statesman had for the nth time welcomed Roberts to India, from his base in Arizona. And now, some ten hours later, this:

Julia Roberts is “sadhavi” now and her children Mahalaxmi, Ganesh, & Krishna

Names of Oscar winner Julia Roberts’ (Pretty Woman) three children are Mahalaxmi, Ganesh, and Krishna Balram now, according to reports.

Before she landed in India on September 17, their names were reportedly Hazel Patricia (4.5 years), Phinnaeus Walter (4.5 years), and Henry Daniel Moder (two years) respectively.

Roberts is currently shooting at Ashram Harimandir hermitage, spread over 28 acres in Pataudi,  about 60 kilometers from India’s capital Delhi, for “Eat, Pray, Love” based on Elizabeth Gilbert’s spirituality/travel memoir of the same name. Founded by ascetic Swami Amardev in 1920, this Ashram is currently headed by Swami Dharam Dev, and it has its own consecrated temple and gaushala (cowshed) and offers “spiritual development” and runs a Sanskrit learning center. Gilbert reportedly spent four months in an India ashram few years back, trying to find her spirituality.

Welcoming Roberts to India, acclaimed Hindu statesman Rajan Zed urged her to explore Hinduism further. Deeper study of Hinduism would complement her interest in yoga and other things Indian, Zed, who is president of Universal Society of Hinduism, added. In January last, Roberts sported a “bindi” (vermillion mark on forehead) during her trip to India. She has a production company called “Red Om Films”, and “Om” in Hinduism is the mystical syllable containing the universe.

In published pictures, Roberts is seen sitting at Swami Dharam Dev’s feet looking like a “sadhavi” (virtuous woman).  When she reportedly went to seek his blessings, Swami was quoted as telling her to step into sadhvi’s role in her real life whenever she was in self doubt. Swami also reportedly suggested her to adopt prayers, meditation, sadhana (spiritual endeavor), and yoga in her real life and take all good things she learnt at Ashram back to USA. She reportedly introduced her children to Swami with the names of Mahalaxmi, Ganesh, and Krishna Balram, who said that Roberts was very impressed with Indian culture. Swami reportedly tied raksha-sutra (sacred protective thread) on their wrists.

For the success of the shooting and the film, Roberts reportedly launched the India leg of the shooting with a hawan (a fire sacrifice), which Rajan Zed says is central to Hinduism. She reportedly did puja (worship), cooked dal-roti (pulse-Indian thin bread) at langar (community lunch), performed kirtan (religious chanting), visited Hindu temple, offered prayers along with her children, learnt to say “namaskar” and “Hari-Om”,  was seen wearing ruddraksh (seeds of the tree Eleocarpus ganitrus) mala (rosary), ate with her bare hands, found Gulab-Jamun (an Indian sweetmeat) to be her favorite. She is said to have transliterated the 182-verse Sanskrit chant in English, which she has to recite as part of the script, and is said to be rehearsing it. Her living area in the nearby hotel has reportedly been furnished with a unique yoga center per her wishes. Roberts reportedly commented: “India is really amazing.”

Rajan Zed has applauded Roberts for launching the shooting with a hawan and actively participating in it with her three children, and showing keen interest in Hinduism.

People of India will be anxious to see how perfectly Roberts does her job of cleaning ashram (hermitage) floors as a part of her devotional duty, trying to recite 182-verse Sanskrit chant, and going through grueling hours of meditation while being feasted on by mosquitoes as mentioned in Gilbert’s memoir. Although Gilbert did not disclose the name of the ashram where she stayed in her book, but it is widely guessed that she stayed at Gurudev Siddha Peeth at Ganeshpuri (Thane district) in Maharashtra (India).

Directed by Ryan Murphy (Nip/Tuck), “Eat, Pray, Love”, aimed at a release in 2011, also stars Javier Bardem (No Country for Old Men), Richard Jenkins (The Visitor), Viola Davis (Doubt), Billy Crudup (Almost Famous), James Franco (Pineapple Express), Luca Argentero (Lezioni di cioccolato), etc.

Just saying.

Mystic masseur

Hindus worldwide or at least those in a small office in Arizona have expressed outrage over the upcoming film The Waiting City, starring Indian-origin actress Radha Mitchell with Joel Edgerton and directed by Claire McCarthy.

Acclaimed Hindu statesman Rajan Zed expressed grave concern over the fact that the film is purportedly about an Australian couple who encounter Indian mysticism in Calcutta, and find themselves pulled in opposite directions thus posing a real threat to their marriage.

Zed, who is the president of the Universal Society of Hinduism, pointed out that Hindu mysticism is beneficial to true seekers and should not be portrayed in a negative light. Such a portrayal, Zed said in a statement today, could deeply hurt the sentiments of the four Hindus who work in his Arizona office.

Zed also pointed with considerable concern to the fact that London based actor Samrat Chakrabarti will play the role of Krishna in the film. The acclaimed statesman pointed out that Krishna is much beloved of the billions of Hindus he wishes he spoke for, and warned that the avtaar of Vishnu should not be portrayed in negative light.

The acclaimed statesman has offered to work with the film-makers on the script to ensure that the portrayal of the Vaishnavite deity was fully in accordance with Hindu sentiments.

Actually, I’m a liar — Rajan Zed never wrote that. I did.

But that is likely because Zed was — as is his recent practice — in such a hurry to dash off his daily statement he never read up about the movie to spot the possibilities for his brand of controversy.

So this is the statement he did put out [I am not making a word of this one up, honest]:

Hollywood actress Radha Mitchell (Silent Hill), who was in India sometime back shooting for Australian film ”The Waiting City”, feels working in India was “like a fish out of water”.

When asked about working in India, she is quoted as saying: “…you feel kind of like a fish out of water and that’s what’s great about India. It’s such a shocking shift, that you are very much just in the moment.”

Mitchell, 35, is also producer of “The Waiting City” (Claire McCarthy), a drama about an Australian couple’s journey to Kolkata (India), which is premiering in Toronto Film Festival on September 17. It was shot in and outside Kolkata at Sealdah Station, Behala, Barrackpore, etc. Her futuristic “Surrogates” (Jonathan Mostow) with Bruce Willis opens on September 25. She is also acting in action film “The Crazies” (Breck Eisner), releasing on February 26 next. Her “Thick as Thieves” (Mimi Leder) with Morgan Freeman and Antonio Banderas, was completed few months back.

Because of her Hindu upbringing and her interest in yoga, acclaimed Hindu statesman Rajan Zed has asked Mitchell to explore the rich philosophical thought and spirituality which Hinduism offers. Zed, who is the president of Universal Society of Hinduism, offered to supply a set of Hindu scriptures to help her in comprehensive understanding of its philosophy. If Mitchell needed any assistance in her study of Hinduism, he or other Hindu scholars would be glad to share their knowledge, Rajan Zed added in a statement in Nevada (USA) today.

Born in Melbourne (Australia) as Radha Rani Amber Indigo Anunda Mitchell, she reportedly had a spiritually inclined upbringing in Hindu-Vaishnavite tradition by her parents, and is a vegetarian and practices yoga. Her Italian model mother reportedly became infatuated with India in the early 1970s. Mitchell reportedly dropped “Rani” out of her name on first day at school, when someone asked if her name was “macaroni”. In her name, “Radha” means “Lord Krishna’s beloved”, “Rani” means “queen” and “Anunda” means “bliss”.

Seems to me in recent times, Zed has volunteered to help Lindsay Lohan, Julia Roberts and now the actress otherwise known as ‘Lord Krishna’s beloved queen bliss’ by sharing his knowledge and spamming them with sets of Hindu scriptures. If he isn’t careful, he’s going to get into trouble for stalking — and then where would I go for my daily dose of laughter?

For immediate release

That is the subject line of the various emails acclaimed Hindu statesman Rajan Zed routinely — too routinely; there are two dated today and one dated yesterday, and over the last month and a half there has been at least one every single day — sends out [earlier samplings].

The latest collection: Rajan Zed is prepared to be outraged if — if — the planned Hollywood project on the Ramayana with Keanu Reeves playing Rama and possibly, Aamir Khan playing Hanuman [now there is inspired casting for you] turns out to be a Hollywood-style re-imagining that does not adhere line by line with the accepted narrative. He urges the makers to stay true to the story and the spirit of the timeless epic and other Hindu scriptures.

Zed, who is president of Universal Society of Hinduism, further said that Ramayana was a highly revered scripture of Hinduism. Hollywood was welcome to make a movie about Ramayana but the final product should be the true depiction of it and not a fantasized or a re-imagined version to fit the Hollywood machine, which was likely to hurt the Hindu sentiments. Moreover, as Hinduism was largely misunderstood outside India, the distortion would add to the confusion. Hinduism was the oldest and third largest religion of the world with about one billion adherents and a rich philosophical thought and it should not be taken lightly.

Rajan Zed further said that Ramayana was an integral part of Hinduism and was held in such reverence that Hindus believed that simply reading/hearing of it showered blessings upon the reader/listener. Rama, the hero of Ramayana, was incarnation of Lord Vishnu, and was worshipped by Hindus.

Ramayana, an ancient Sanskrit scripture that consists of 24,000 stanzas, explores various themes, including human existence, concept of dharma, etc.

In another email, he spots a Twitter post from Lindsay Lohan that she is “all about Karma’, welcomes her interest, and volunteers to supply Lohan with a set of Hindu scriptures to help her in comprehensive understanding of its philosophy. He also volunteers to share his knowledge with her.

Oh, and he also notes that Malta’s Constitution says “Religious teaching of the Roman Catholic Apostolic Faith shall be provided in all State schools as part of compulsory education.” That is clearly bad, says Zed — Malta should instead come up with a comparative religion class teaching basics of all major world religions, including the viewpoint of non-believers. This will make Maltese “children well-nurtured, well-balanced, and enlightened citizens of tomorrow. Moreover, students should have knowledge of the entire society to become full participants in the European community.”

So now you know. Why should you care? Because he is a Hindu spokesman, that is why [covering all possible bases, he is also an Indian American spokesman. And occasionally, Indian spokesman]. So what do you mean, why should you care? He is your spokesman, is why.

[Not mine. I occasionally resurrect him because he is so fun. Like Pavlov's dog, I am becoming conditioned to checking for his name in my email box each morning and grinning with anticipatory delight as I click 'open'. And if you protest too vehemently about my occasional forays into the wonderfully woolly world of Zed, I will in a spirit of malice treat you to every single email of his, so there.]

Afterthought: Do you think Zed is the answer to the BJP’s leadership crisis?

And in passing, a question for those of you who are practicing Hindus: what is the ‘traditional Hindu way’ of blessing a couple in the post-honeymoon phase, please? Also, I missed out on this blessing, whatever it is, 20 years back when I got married — is it too late to get mine? Is there a statute of limitations, do you think/know?

From the desk of the acclaimed Hindu statesman

Rajan Zed fears a Julia Roberts-starrer will depict Hinduism in bad light.

Rajan Zed says that ‘namaste’ is a greeting that symbolizes love and respect.

Rajan Zed asks that the makers of the Cities of Love series include Mumbai in the list because it is home to the largest movie industry.

Rajan Zed wants prominent Australian entertainers to respond to AR Rahman’s gesture and hold concerts in major Indian cities.

Rajan Zed urges celebrities to explore the spiritual side of yoga.

Rajan Zed believes AR Rahman opening a studio in LA will help further popularize Indian music.

Rajan Zed argues that the Oscars will gain added credibility by introducing a Best Bollywood Movie award [the gent clearly hasn't heard of Marathi, Malayalam, Tamil, Telugu, Orissa, Bengali and other vibrant language movie industries] where Hindi movies can compete among themselves.

Here’s the scary thought: All of these in August alone, and the month is only 17 days old.

PostScript:

A tip for newspaper editors: The words “acclaimed Hindu statesman” that inevitably begins the second graf of his press statements should, if used in your copy, go in quotes. As above. Because you are quoting him as saying he is an acclaimed Hindu statesman. You are not stating ineluctable fact.

A request to headline writers: ‘Rajan Zed asks for Best Bollywood Movie Oscar’ is correct. NOT ‘Hindus ask for Best Bollywood Movie Oscar’. There is a difference. Rajan Zed is an idiot a Hindu. Singular. He is not vast; he does not, to channel John Donne, contain multitudes.

Thank you.

The sky is falling

Indians are worried, says this story. Turns out, one Indian American is “worried” about whether the Hindu religion has will be properly portrayed. Guess who?

It is a splendid, pure, exalted form of worry, that exists in its own space. The worrier doesn’t need to read a shooting script, or have any clue what the film is about — but since when does any of that stop said gent from being “worried”, and from issuing statements highlighting that worry?

Oscar winning actress Julia Roberts (Pretty Woman) will reportedly be in India in the third week of September to shoot Eat, Pray, Love, and Hindus in the US are not too happy about it. Many are concerned about the authenticity of the depiction of the ashram and Hinduism in the film.

Indian American Rajan Zed, in a statement in Nevada (USA), said that Hinduism and its belief system were quite often misunderstood and incorrectly depicted outside India and urged the filmmakers to stick to authentic traditions.

Based on Pushcart Prize winner Elizabeth Gilbert’s spirituality/travel memoir, the film is currently being shot in New York till the end of August. After a two-week stint in Italy, shooting will move to India to film ashram sequences. Some of the Indian crew of Slumdog Millionaire will be helping in the India part of the production, though the shooting schedule is being kept hush-hush, according to reports.

In the book, Gilbert writes about coming to India to learn the “art of devotion”. A critic has defined her depiction of the spiritual four-month quest as “the worst in Western fetishisation of Eastern thought and culture”.

Indians are anxious to see how perfectly Roberts does her job of cleaning ashram floors as a part of her devotional duty, reciting 182-verse Sanskrit chants, and going through gruelling hours of meditation while being feasted on by mosquitoes.