A Kenyan has offered Bill and Hillary Clinton 40 cows and 20 goats in return for their daughter Chelsea. Unconfirmed sources say the Secretary of State’s immediate reaction was, bloody hell that is way more than Bill thought I was worth! Meanwhile, a man presumably without enough cows and goats at his disposal has said he wants to marry the one he has loved since he was 16 — his pillow.
Then again, maybe he had the right idea – look what happened when the bloke married a waitress and discovered that she had six other husbands in the course of a month and a half.
Or wait a minute, don’t knock weddings just yet – a couple just celebrated the 75th wedding anniversary, and say the trick is never going to bed angry. I’d try this too, but the thing is I need my sleep and if I follow that rule, I’ll never get any. [On second thoughts, after reading this story I’m beginning to think chronic insomnia might be a good thing after all].
From romance to weddings, and a Chinese bride has set a world record for the longest wedding gown ever – 7,093 feet. [A local laundry is likely now getting set to submit the world’s biggest laundry bill ever.] And speaking of big bills, spare a thought for the New York hot dog vendor whose monthly rent works out to $54,000 – that bloke’s in hot water, though not quite so hot as Timo Kaukonen, who managed to withstand a blistering 110 degrees Celsius to win a ‘world sauna championship’ [Now there’s a guy who will be right at home in hell].
In what was a good week for PETA, a dog flew business class for $32,000, an elephant was fitted with a nifty pair of slippers worth 500 pounds [and that is more than the Sex and the City girls spent on their Manolo Blahniks], and a bald penguin was given a wetsuit so he wouldn’t get sunburn.
Don’t scoff — animals are your best friends, just ask the bloke who got saved from a burning house by a cat that didn’t even live there. Which brings me to the subject of ingratitude, spelt Kevin Griffin, for the guy who told the police his cat had been downloading kiddie porn off the internet [a step up from the classic ‘dog ate my homework’, this].
In news you can use [when there are no comedy shows on TV], ‘research’ has found that optimistic women live longer, and macho men die quicker. Science has also discovered that women are choosy while men are okay with anything in a skirt, when it comes to one-night stands; fresh research is expected to tell us how picky women end up with anything-goes men. Oh, and while on men not being picky? A grandpa got caught groping Minnie Mouse.
Around the world, then: 88 percent of Dutch folks said they preferred going to the toilet to friends, and sex. In Paris, a woman attacked the Mona Lisa with a mug; investigating detectives say the assault had no effect on Lisa’s smile.
Israelis had a good week of it – a bunch of them took to the skies to pray that none of their countrymen died of H1N1, while another bunch is busy ogling mermaids – they think. Elsewhere, Australians are busy sending messages into space – mostly relating, we are told, to Freddie Flintoff. Austrian kids are meanwhile busy sending messages of a different kind – themselves.
For your ‘there’s a fool born every minute’ files: a woman claimed to be able to spiritually cleanse money – and cleaned seven Hispanic families out of $140,000.
To end on an upbeat, chicken soup note, the crew of a rowing boat abandoned their attempt at a world record in order to save the pilot of a crashed plane.
Enjoy the weekend, people. See you Monday.