Health care for Ms Lisa

Here you go:

For centuries, art historians have been troubled by Mona Lisa’s enigmatic smile – but, according to one doctor, her cholesterol levels were more worrying.

For Dr Vito Franco, from Palermo University, she shows clear signs of a build-up of fatty acids under the skin, caused by too much cholesterol.

He also suggests there seems to be a lipoma, or benign fatty-tissue tumour, in her right eye.

Who knew.

The exclusive bhurji

This morning on my way to work, I ate a bhurji.

It was no ordinary bhurji, mind — the vendor at the corner of the street near my home made it exclusively for me. He put aside everything else he was doing; from his stock, he selected the exact right green chillies and the perfect onion for my palate. And oh, those eggs — two of the finest ever laid!

The vendor Sivaram, who the cognoscenti tell me is an acknowledged expert in the art of bhurji-making and who created the dish with skill that had been passed on to him through the generations, told me the eggs had been laid exclusively for me, and no one else in this world, ever, would be able to taste those identical eggs, no matter how much money was on offer. By way of guarantee, he even shook out the very last drops of the gooey stuff from the insides of the cracked shells and then crushed the shells to smithereens.

It was, I vow, divine. And as I ate that bhurji, made exclusively for me out of eggs laid exclusively for me, I thought of all you poor folk out there who just don’t get it: None of you get, more’s the pity, that the best things in life are exclusive.

Vir Sanghvi shares my belief, vide this exercise in tactless, tasteless condescension:

PS: It’s Friday, folks. Not likely to be on here much.

When in Rome…

  • In Milan it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits.
  • In Massachusetts, taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of the car during their shifts.
  • In Denmark, people are legally obliged to honk the horn and check for small children underneath the car.
  • In Thailand, it is illegal for anyone to leave a building without wearing their pants.
  • In Michigan, anyone planning on bathing in public must have their swim suit inspected by a police officer.
  • In Florida, any unmarried woman who parachutes on a Sunday could be jailed. Singing while wearing a swimming costume is also prohibited.
  • In Portugal it is unlawful to urinate in the sea.
  • In Hong Kong the wife of a husband who commits adultery is legally entitled to kill the mistress in any manner desired, and the husband with just her bare hands.
  • In Switzerland flushing the lavatory after 10pm is illegal.
  • In Canada if you are arrested and then released from prison, it is a legal requirement that the felon is given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so they can ride safely out of the town.

Just so you know.

You are what you pee

  • If while urinating there is noise then man will enjoy happiness
  • If there is no noise then one will become poor in later life
  • If urine falls clockwise in two three or four streams respectively then one becomes a king.
  • Those who urinate in a dispersed manner face poverty
  • Only single stream urination will make one very beautiful but without children
  • Drop by drop urination will make one very learned
  • If there are bubbles while urination person is potent.
  • And that is only the bit I could quote in a public forum from this extended treatise on reading the future from the shape of your pee-pee. Go ahead, knock yourself out. [Link courtesy Prahalad Rao]

    Update: Oh, hey, and when you are done examining your bodily fluid to see if it contains the bubbles of potency, use what remains to power your home, your car, your lawn-mower, whatever.

    Man, think of all those oil-rich Sheikhs. One day, they have the keys to the mint. Next day, anyone can piss himself a fortune after chugging down a six pack of Coors. [Link courtesy Hemant Puthli].

    Kats hate water

    Not quite what I expected to post first thing on a morning, but check this out, from the front page of Bombay Times:

    After doing half-a-dozen films with her including superhits like Namastey London, Welcome and Singh is Kinng, Akshay Kumar knows everything there is to know about Katrina Kaif. Especially that she has delicate health and if kept under water for a few hours, she is bound to fall ill.

    This breakthrough in medical science will shortly be published in Lancet; meanwhile, we are informed by reliable sources that Harvard Medical School is sending a team over to India to interview Kumar at first hand about the nature and methodology of his researches, and to examine for themselves the impact on Kaif of such prolonged immersion. “If this is true, it is a major breakthrough in medical research,” the Harvard team leader said in an exclusive interview. “All our researches till date suggest that if a human being is kept under water even for a few minutes, (s)he dies.”

    Okay, I made that second paragraph up — but the first is verbatim. There is more in similar vein. Sampler:

    But the body heat generated from their steamy togetherness was not enough to keep the actress warm.

    You know, BT should put a public service notice on some of these things: ‘Reading while drinking piping hot coffee is apt t0 result in spilt beverage and a scalded palate’, or some such.

    Ban women, not jeans

    Amit Varma tells you why.